It's easy to open up to someone who always wants to hear what you are going through. It's easy to be vulnerable and tell your whole life to someone who is willing to listen to all the horrors you go through-
...but be careful of who you choose to share with because some times that very same person will delight in your misfortune and shortcomings.
That very same person will use it to black list and berate you.
Not every one means you well.
I was happy that they didn't come. It had seemed like they had been away for a very long time but it was maybe just a week or two.
I was happy either way.
There was no van driving into the yard, no car doors being slammed, no container locks being opened, no container doors being flung opened or slammed shut, no boxes being tossed to the floor with a hidden vendetta I just couldn't understand. There was no trolley making it's way to and from the containers. No one chatting or laughing or behaving incredulously rude.
There was just her, her and her chopping in the early morning. She chopped the grass, the grape vine and plants she had planted but I guess didn't want to see growing anymore. It had occurred to me that before we moved there she was never outside chopping or raking anything, except for her few visits to the ackee tree or the plants she often times watered you never really caught her outside and then we move in and she is outside early nearly every morning, noon and evening chopping things.
I have often caught her listening in on me or me and my husband's conversation. There were times when she would be around the back part of the yard chopping and she hears me "bickering" at my husband and she sneaks around to eavesdrop. I have never really bothered myself about it because I just thought she was lonely which led to a bit of "nosy".
One time she straight up said to me that sometimes we have to get away from persons in our lives in order to progress because she didn't start progressing until her mother and her husband died. I felt as if she was low key telling me to leave my husband.
That did bother me I must admit but I felt she was once again just lonely, chatty and thereby too involved in other peoples affairs since she often gossiped other people.
I never responded to much of anything she said to me because well I don't gossip and knew that she would one day gossip me and I never want it to be said that I said this or I said that so other than a nod here or there or sharing my own personal life situations with her which were most times always about the boys and their likes, dislikes or their personalities that were inadvertently similar to her stories I kept my mouth shut.
I have even defended her to my husband on numerous occasions even after the first instance when she curse at him with vile vulgar language that I didn't even know she was versed in-and swung her cutlass at him.
Since the last post she has gotten worst. I never pegged her for a mad person but now I am sure she is mad.
In the mornings we don't get any water through the pipes anymore and I thought it was very weird at first since the water pressure was normally very heavy and there was no lock off in effect by the government. Then we found out it was her fulling up containers. I still think it strange because as I said the water pressure is very heavy and only when it is low are we affected when she uses the water on her side.
We don't make it a problem we just wait until she get's done fulling up her stuff and watering her plants even if it means getting to school or work or starting our day a bit later than normal. The other day she was outside fulling a basin at the pipe as it rained outside and in the evening after it had finished raining she was watering her plants. I guess they were pretty thirsty these past weeks since no matter how hard it had rained she still felt the need to water the plants again.
This morning as it rained and after the rain had stopped she was by our window and else where in the yard chopping.
I swear I am not making these things up and it's a good thing Ariah is not troubled by noise unless it is something that is unusually startling.
Aaron is more easily disturbed by loud intrusive noises or continuous sounds.
Yesterday my mom sat with me on the phone for what seemed like forever but it was just about an hour. She had called because she sensed that there was something wrong.
My mom and her senses!
I had been cowering in a corner of my room because the "container people" came and the moment they pulled up in front of or beside the grape vine I was frozen with fear and nervous and I could not explain it or shake it.
I slowly went into a state of panic.
Aaron was in the back room sleeping and I was sitting beside Ariah as she too slept.
I could picture everything that was taking place outside even though I was too scared to get up and look.
The moment the van pulled up I switched off the computer as I had been watching youtube videos at the time (I yanked the power cord out) and I put both my cell phones on vibrate. I could not understand the need I felt to hide but that is exactly what I did. I even ran out to the living room to switch off the television that Aaron had turned on before he went back to sleep.
The van door slammed and I shook a little but Ariah didn't stir. The sounds are loudest to the back room where Aaron is sleeping so I begin to worry that they are going to wake him and he is going to sit up in the bed and cry like he usually does when they set it off with their intrusive noise. Then the container door bangs and there is talking between them and the landlady much in the same way that it was this morning.
Soon after that comes the sound of the boxes being tossed haphazardly to the ground and I have never heard it so loud around the front room before and I begin to think that it's all in my head so I busy myself by scrolling through my instagram feed but it gets louder and louder and I begin to hear giggling and I think for sure that I am loosing my mind.
Then Ariah jumps every time they toss the boxes to the ground and the walls and the floor vibrate a little. Then soon enough she begins to cry and I snatch her up before she is audible enough for them to hear. I hold her real close and she settles down into my bussom and goes to sleep again.
They slam the container doors as they lock up and they "rev" the engine of the van and tears start rolling down my cheeks to my lips...by the time they are gone I am sobbing like a hurt child.
My phone vibrates and I grab at it and it shatters into pieces as it falls to the floor. I put it back together with trembling hands and it rings. I see that it my mom calling I answer and I cry to her and I realize no matter how grown you are you still need your mommy.
She talks me down for what seems like hours, trying to get my mind away from the happenings of the day and she succeeds somewhat but I am still left asking God what I have done to deserve this life of torment.
I bathe. I cry. I begin to sing and I am stuck standing in the shower "acapella-ing" falsetto and bass notes of praise feeling powerless and helpless and defeated.
I am sure now that the devil is a liar and a song comes to me and I think to record it because it's perfect-it's what I want to always remember but instead I end up crying between vocals and looking a ugly hot mess on camera and somewhere between thinking I was ugly and wanting to take my ugly black turban off my head I decided to post my video clips to facebook and immediately as I did it I wished I could undo it but somehow as I tried to cancel the posts my phone said "no internet access, cannot delete post, try again later" respectively. I tried and tried but for some strange reason I couldn't delete the clips because the internet signal kept dropping off.
I then decided to carry on with my day and my life.
I just didn't care anymore.
I called my husband but he was busy at parliament and I ended up arguing with him and telling him how much I wasn't important to him and he didn't care about me or anything concerning me.